confessions of a body

Image by Juan Luis Rojano Mora

Confessions of a body Yes I have done it. I have changed clothes cause you asked me to. I have cut and dye my hair for your compliments and used bad words just because my crowd was using them. Yes I have heard my mother's voice inside my head countless times, correcting me and yours, criticizing. Yes I have used to deny that I did change the length of my skirts from country to country not to be respectful but to be accepted, to fit in, to be appreciated. Yes I have played small for your comfort. Yes I have indulged in casual sex. Yes I have lied before, about lovers and studies. Yes I have said before "I know" when I had no idea. Yes I said "I don't care" just before I took a shower to cry. Yes during all my traveling I have many times been afraid. Afraid to be ignorant, afraid to be lost, to be rejected, to feel ridiculous. Yes I have repeated words from others not really knowing what they mean. Yes I have used lines and wear trendy outfits just to look cool. Yes I have preferred to repeat myself in my safety zone than to try that new path. Yes I have traveled, yes I have changed place often, yes I get bored easily, yes I can do it just to hide away. Yes I have faked them, the orgasms. Yes I have celebrated them, the fights. Yes I have confused obsession with passion, aggression with love. Yes I have been afraid to speak my truth, yes I have hidden it inside for fear. Yes I have been jealous, yes I have lied about it. Yes I have loved to be stared at while walking into a room. Yes I am fragile, yes I used to pretend I was strong. Yes I have felt insecure about how good, how worthy, how loved I am. Yes I had doubts. Yes I did flirt out of boredom and had sex cause I could not say "no". Yes I felt abused, yes I did not say a thing. Yes I have drunk to escape to other realities, yes I have enjoyed that. Yes I have danced my feelings away. Yes I have faked a smile. Yes I wanted to look smart, yes I once felt I had to prove "i can do it" to the world. Yes I have tried to please you. Yes I have over eaten and I have starved just to be socially correct. Yes I wanted to be pretty and was afraid to connect with the beauty of other women. Yes I have been selfish, yes i can be mean. Yes I have flirted with your boyfriend just for fun. Yes sex has made me feel powerful. Yes there is darkness, yes I knew how to hide it walking in the spotlight. Yes I felt I knew it all, yes I got impatient listening to your questions. Yes I have judge you cause you are not like... Me. Yes I love to talk, yes I love that you listen. Yes, now it all comes to me. I have been there, I have done that. Yes. All of this is also me. Yes I was not sure I wanted to share this. yes I was afraid you would love me less. Yes, now I don't care.