You don't understand

No you will not understand. Not the sleepless nights nor the tantrum filled days. You will not understand why my messy hair, my loose t-shirt, my dark circles. You will have no sympathy for my terror if, even for some seconds, I lose my child in the crowd. You will probably laugh at the number of times I adjust and re-adjust the pram where he (accidentally! This rarely ever happens!) fell asleep; or the times I cover him gently and check his temperature (sometimes even waking him up with my concern) at night. You will have no petty for my cancelled plans and suspended dreams. You will think it is not a big deal to be a full time mom. No you will not know what it is to change diapers all day and nurse all night; to sleep siting with your baby in your arms, afraid if you change position he will wake up (again!). You will say "it's ok" he looks fine" "this too shall pass" but you will not mean it. Cause how could you? You do not know what is a kick or a slap from your anxious toddler. Have no clue how it feels to look for "what did I do to cause it" reasons. You don't know what it is not to go for grocery shopping for a week just cause you can't keep your baby in the shop long enough. Of course you don't (neither does the neighbor - she has a maid; or her friend - she has her baby in school since he was 4 (months old...)). Have you tried to go back to sleep after been woken up by a loud scream from the one you love most? Again and again (and again, sometimes 20 minutes apart)? Have you attempted to vacuum clean a nose from a screaming helpless baby or hold him tight when he has the painful vaccines for the first time? Do you know what it is to look in the mirror and miss the old you, with more curves (or for some of us less) bigger breasts (yes, how they shrink after he nurses!) and make up in place? Do you know what it feels to be lonely even when you sleep by my side? Or to secretly wish you would sleep in another room cause there is just not enough room in our bed for three (or cause, sorry but your snoring sometimes wakes the baby up). Can you imagine never again eating with both hands, or siting down, or quietly, or slowly, or 100% free to choose your menu? You know how my back feels after all the carrying, the rocking, the breastfeeding? The list of struggles and challenges could go on but I am journaling about it to let it go, not to hold on to it. But you see, all changed. Cooking is never the same, walking is never the same, breathing is never the same! Oh you will not understand how much LOVING is never the same! And with all this "no you will not understand" I feel you... YOU are missing... The big things - have you seen him? Have you seen tumtum laughing in his sleep? Yes, he does. And how could you know how priceless it is? Today he is 21 months old and I am happy, so happy to be with him. With love, Joana (And now, nap time! ♥)